Came back from over a week up north. While husband was away for his dad's burial.
Feeling full in my heart, kids and I spent half the time with G and family, also to the safari park with N and his little boy almost the same age as mine.
All the while friends were packing up our house so we could leave as soon as d and I returned. Well, we're back now and bosses still haven't given us a leaving date for Ireland. So now we're camping in our own house with minimal stuff, living out of suitcases.
G told me even more about her affair. Actually she opened it up because of N's situation. His wife S finally told him that she's with someone else. G said she kept thinking about N's issue - "I told you I always think about you guys" - and said she would be willing to speak to S, if it meant saving their marriage. She was tearing up.
I was dilly dallying wondering how she could have done that, until G said, 'ask'. So I did. She told me about her affair in even more detail, in tears at how grateful she is that she still has a family that loves her now and that her kids are OK, despite her mistakes. She said that every day that was happening she was scared shitless. Until she finally managed to escape and get her passport to fly out of Singapore.
We talked about our marital issues.
Anyway. I feel happy. D is back, I missed him, kids did too. Had a little thing when we got back and straight away he was scheduling duo calls with his brother and sister as if he hadn't just spent ten whole days with them. I said to him, you've just come back, I haven't seen you in ages, and you're carving time out with them like you miss them and I'm here just watching you like an outsider. I told him it was making me jealous.
I went away for a bit, he followed me to apologise. I said I don't want your leftover time, time that just happens to be there cos we live together... I know we have a lifetime together ahead of us because we're married, but there won't be a lifetime if we don't build the foundations with quality time now.
He said sorry, so i said do you get me though? (I don't want him to apologise just because he wants me to not be upset) and he said yes.
I just want to have a marriage I can enjoy even when the kids don't need me anymore and our lives stop centering on them. I want to build a friendship, an intimate connection with this man, so that we are open about issues and work on them before they become irreparable. The whole trip up north really opened my eyes to what I don't want to happen, and what I aspire for in my marital life.
2022-07-24.10:30 p.m.
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