We moved to a province in a third world country where I have to pump water from the ground to get clean water.

I battle with insects and pests all the time.

We're poor here, but not dirt poor.

We had to furnish this apartment we were given for his job, with a fridge, washing machine (a manual one where I put Tons of water in it from the pump with a bucket).

My child wants to go back to ireland.

My other child can't access any therapy here.

I want to blame my husband for making a mistake and that's why we were relocated here. Like a disciplinary measure.

But I know that's counter productive. I can't even feel sorry for myself.

I just accepted it the moment we opened the door to this small apartment with thin wooden walls and no privacy because the walls have slats to ventilate the house.

I jumped into action. Bought a toilet seat so we would feel normal. Tried to recreate our old life as much as I could, I have to keep doing this every day.

It's been two weeks. With every challenge my resolve is weakening. I thought we had bedbugs because when I inspected the bedframe the house came with I found a few tiny insects which I thought were nymphs.

So I poured boiling water on the bedpost where I saw them hiding. And then maybe 50 or 100 of those small things came out.

I think they are ants though. So I relaxed. But then I had to walk a total of about two hours in 35C heat for the school run. And I was told that i shouldn't take public transport back home because it's too expensive (and it is, because we're in the province, not the city).

I just. I can't be doing that. I'm just trying everyday to pretend like this isn't bothering me. I was happy for a week, the simple life was great for my mental health, I was grateful for everything I took for granted in Europe. Laughing at how our biggest worry there was mould.

But I'm realising this isn't a holiday. We could be here a year or more. I can't be told to stay in the house and let him go to the market on his bike because I have no car, because its too expensive to get one when we'd probably go back to Europe anyway after a year. I can't be told not to take public transport cos I'm dying of the heat... I feel like these "luxuries" are fine to spend money on so I don't lose my sanity, all of this was a shock but I got on with it.

I'm just getting tired. I feel so helpless especially with my son. But I can't afford to get depressed. What choice do I have.

2022-09-13.7:47 a.m.
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