Whoa, two weeks since I last updated. Things were difficult with the husband for a while. I have insecurities about my marriage and not being good enough for him, questioning my life choices, not being satisfied with him, either. I brought it up in therapy.
My weight is still within the 42 kgs, but I feel it will increase next session (tomorrow). My appetite has gone up a fair bit.
Scriptwriting kept me busy, but I submitted the final version the other day and that was bittersweet. There you go, have my creative baby.
I caught up with G over video chat last week. What I thought would be a casual call became a three hour sobfest. As soon as she asked how things were in therapy, I choked up and it started from there.
I confronted her about her affair. I couldn't get through my sentences. It took over an hour of on and off crying before I finally came out with it. When I finally did, I was relieved and a lot calmer.
She told me all about it. The whole sordid thing. What led up to it: how they had a really rough marital patch, how the marriage was just not functioning because she felt neglected, how they became distant. This built up for many years. In the end she ran away to her sister abroad for a couple of months and there she met someone who became a confidant and then ran away with him to another country.
But when she was with him, he maltreated her and kept her passport. She only managed to get away by saying that her sister was ill and he wanted her to trust him enough so he let her go and booked her flight back. When she escaped, he threatened to hunt her down. Phone calls, letters.
She lost touch with reality for a couple of months.
When she returned to the UK, brought everything out in the open, told her family what happened. She said it was excruciating for her that her children knew. So her husband's family knows, her family knows, and my now-father-in-law. That's the night in my 20s that I remember. I was upstairs and heard him drive up to the house right after G's older child caused commotion in the kitchen, throwing things around. My now FIL came over and talked to them as a family - he's basically their godparent and that night they called him, asking him to come to the house to calm everyone down and talk through it all.
Anyway, even after that it was a hard rebound for several months after and obviously a burden for many years. She said that she has made peace with it and with her family. They have obviously moved on from it and she's just grateful now that they were able to overcome that hurdle and her mistakes.
We looked back at how our relationship came about. Because it also started around that time. I asked if that was the reason why she reached out to me during that time when I had my own issues with the ED. I asked if she was seizing an opportunity to help me because that was the equivalent redemption for her mistakes. If I was a project to make up for her wrongdoings.
She said no, because, it's been over a decade since. If our relationship wasn't genuine, then why is she still here now? She could just have handed me over to my husband now that I have my own family and I live so far away from her... But because she loves me, that's why she's still here for me, and will continue to be, as long as she's still here on earth.
I said that I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to bring up old wounds or upset her. She said she isn't upset. Her past is finished, she's a different person now.
She was crying too. She said maybe I was sent to her and her family for a reason. She asked, how does something that she's done so wrong, so terrible... fare with all of the blessings she has in her life now? All she can do is accept what lands in her lap, whether good or bad. Why question why I'm in her life?
When she said she just wanted to give me a big hug... I broke down again. It just felt so cathartic to get everything out. And it was nice that she acknowledged my pain. Because I hadn't even told my husband about it. I just kept this secret for her, to protect her too, and to protect the person that told me, because that person shouldn't have done that. And even the person that put them in a position so that they were able to find out, I felt like I had to protect that third person too. There I was taking ownership for a sin that wasn't mine. And it harmed me.
After catching up about other issues (she thinks I'm self-sabotaging my marriage, casting doubt on my own choices to validate my own insecurities) we planned our next meetup sometime in late April or early May.
Next entry I'm going to talk about my brother's secrets and how I've kept that for too long and how that is currently causing problems for everyone. LOL @ my lifeeee
2022-04-02.3:35 p.m.
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