Dreams

I have been working on my script a lot. To the detriment of my regular sleep pattern. I've fallen off the regular eating wagon too. But I'm not starving myself anymore.

I was stubborn and bought digital scales ahead of my next Zoom therapy session. I can't stand the thought of not knowing my real weight on Sunday. My therapist said, "let's discuss on Sunday" but I bought them anyway. They arrived today and of course I weighed myself. Weight is down 0.6kg which is fine. I'm stable.

I noticed when I came back from the kids' playdate, that the new scales have gone. My husband hid them again.

I'm afraid that I am about to relapse.

I had a migraine today and took some medicine for it, which naturally made me drowsy. I napped for an hour and had another vivid dream.

In it, I noticed that my husband was secretly messaging G. I asked him why. He said, I found this (a razor blade) and I wanted to ask her if she knew about it. Why do you have it?

I said, oh. That's just in case. I hid it a long time ago and forgot about it.

All of that, was true, except for the fact that husband didn't actually find that blade. I know him and G were talking behind my back before. I do have a blade hidden somewhere, just in case. I did, use to self-harm and no-one knows about it, except for G. She used to clean my cuts for me.

This dream along with another one I had last week, about looking for a job and escaping my life... It's quite telling. I'm clearly not well. I can't share this with my therapist because I don't want to add to the things that will make me look even more damaged. That's over now. I only hurt myself through food now.

We stopped doing the DBT. Our past sessions have covered my history with G and these new discoveries I made about my brother. And then my non-argument with husband. In Sunday I plan to talk about A, and my thoughts around carrying responsibility for the situation. Even if none of that was my fault.

It's like one triage situation after another.

I haven't spoken to g in nearly a week. There are a lot of unresolved issues there but I need to push everything back and down.


2022-03-18.8:44 p.m.
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