premiere

I had a very social day, not even physically, just through messaging. Had to interact with a lot of people because the short film I wrote and kinda directed/ helped edit late last year 'premiered' today in my big little circle, and almost everyone I knew was messaging me. I caught up with some for a bit. I don't know why I put 'premiered' in quotes like it's not a real thing, when that's what actually happened.

Also yesterday I was asked if I was able to fly out to accept some award. It would be nice if that was me since it was my story, but whoever else in the group can do it. I was excited, then I checked the flights, and they're about £1k on average. And that was before I even thought about what would happen with the kids who I obviously can't just leave. But if I bring even my youngest with me, I can't just leave him in the hotel while I go to whatever dinner or presentation. So it would have been nice, but financially and practically a no-go. Maybe we can accept virtually.

Anyway, now I feel so disgusted by the whole project. Or, actually, not the project, but myself. I don't know if this is normal, or if there is a name for it. I just want to crawl into a hole. I'm disgusted at myself for having put myself out there, socially, creatively. For accepting all the praise that I did.

I've just literally googled these 'symptoms' and apparently apart from being socially exhausted, I feel yucky because the compliments don't align with my self-view and low self-esteem.

WHOA. Thanks Google.


2022-04-07.6:35 p.m.
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