I am married to someone so accommodating, so bent on pleasing me and ensuring I am never less than contented. If it is within his control he will find a way. But it doesn't mean I don't get corrected.
There are many facets to any relationship, of course. Even spiritually - I guess you can call it that - my husband is there for me so that both of us have that inner peace. But right on the other end of that spectrum, the physical aspect... I am also at a place now in my personal journey where I'm trying to figure out sex and how I feel about it. For so long it was something I never even prioritised. If I did then it was all about just wanting to make men happy. Not that I didn't of course enjoy it too but that was never the point of it. Then I had babies whose needs consumed my whole being. Seeking pleasure for myself wasn't even a consideration.
I betrayed my own needs.
I come from a very conservative background (which in theory should have protected me from several traumatic experiences, but didn't), and even now I still live quite a sheltered life. So all of these feelings I'm now having, I have to reconcile with and -in true blueisnotred fashion- intellectualise.
There was a point in our relationship last year where I would be so repulsed by sex and have these horrible flashbacks. Very long story short I have largely overcome those. But now I find myself using sex as a tool or a switch, it feels so artificial and contrived.
I may talk about this more. I have been trying to finish this entry for several days now- a reflection of how I'm just not able to process my feelings about any of it. I don't know what to think, where to begin, let alone how I should feel. I don't know what I'm saying or where these thoughts should go, how I should label them.
2022-02-06.11:50 p.m.
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