Something about the prospect of being left with not-much, makes the small things matter a little bit more. We have been here before.
In Santiago with only a four foot suitcase. To Orpington with just anticipation and excitement. Heathrow with our possessions in the boot of our Merc, a baby in the backseat. We held each other's hand and everything else just followed. We started with barely anything so surely we can survive whatever? Somehow I forgot that along the way. Danny and I are a team. I am not alone anymore in the challenges I face.
This time it seems harder because of the kids. I panicked. Two additional lives to consider and they won't fit in a four foot Samsonite. Our son needs additional support, which makes things very very complicated. Nevertheless I have become entitled and lost sight of what a privilege it is to be where we are now. We had it so good and maybe failed to appreciate that, failed to earn our keep by way of gratitude.
When I came out of the room I asked my husband, "Was this my fault? If you didn't have to worry about me, maybe you could have done more."
He said, "No, this isn't your fault." And then he held me. Our son noticed and he came up to me too, squishing himself in between me and his dad. I squeezed him tight.
This morning our girl is off school. I promised her a biking trip to Richmond Park. I am not alone anymore. I owe it to my children to find the joy in everything, to surround them with happiness and paint our experiences in the best possible light. I owe it to myself to change my lens and roll with the punches. Accept that this is not happening because of something good or bad that I have done. It is just, happening.
That's how I can be happy.
2021-11-25.4:06 p.m.
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