bilateral betrayal

Why am I still so sad? This heaviness in my chest. I had hoped it would go away after that phone call that was meant to reassure me. I had prayed for some relief after cycling in the cold thousand-acre park for an hour.

I stopped to look at a herd of deer before they are culled later this month.

My therapist said bilateral movement was good for trauma. I figured it would be good for bad feelings too. I cycled while mentally repeating those hurtful things I found in my husband's texts between him and grace.

No one slandered me, no one outright dissed me. But I do feel betrayed. The two of them talked about how best to handle me. How I make her feel unarmed, useless, stressed. How I keep her up at night as she thinks through how best to help me. Her aging and now sick body cannot take it. Him apologising, saying he will try his best to deal with me.

I am a burden.

I thought talking to her would fix my insecurity about our relationship, my feelings of rejection and abandonment. And it did. But finding those messages between them that were sent before our call, seems to have undone it.

I know we talked through those same feelings she had... and we talked through how to redefine our relationship so it would become sustainable. But I am just sad, that I hurt her. I'm sad that my shitty self is the cause of all of this unsettle and pain.

The solution is obviously just to get better. So just leave that with me. I'll come out, I'll swim up when I am better.

2021-11-22.12:19 p.m.
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