You're much better when you're not depressed.
He said that to me and then we made love.

Towards the end of my conversation with grace, she said to give my husband a big hug. She does not know, that I know they have been speaking, and that it was him that prompted her to make time to call me.

I feigned ignorance and said, "Why?"

"Nothing, he obviously cares for you, he has been worried about you," then she added, "I bet."

I was curious to see if she would outright lie to a direct question. No judgment though. "Have you been talking?"

From her answer I sensed she was wary of agitating anything. "No. But he's trying isn't he. This is all new territory for him."

She is right. He has been so patient with me. I thought then, well he is going to get more than a big hug. He is going to get laid. And he has taken advantage of this pretty much every day since.

My sexuality is not something I have fully explored until fairly recently. My husband and I married not necessarily because we were sexually compatible but because we just had such a bond. We haven't always been in sync and there is still a lot of learning to be done, but I am glad we get to have these conversations now and can work towards constant improvement. I hope to be more candid, now that I know how rewarding that can be.

Slightly joking but he has grace to thank for this change in our relationship. Many months ago I came to her about some trauma related flashbacks and she basically just talked me through the importance of intimacy in marriage. I never had anyone to talk to about any of that- absent parents, extremely closed and sheltered upbringing. Relationships prior to my husband were closed off and detached and I was afraid of real, lasting connections.

I may talk about this further another time, but I have been awake for 3 hours now and just had this manic energy to finally write about what took place around that phone call. The kids have to be up in an hour.

2021-11-19.5:51 a.m.
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