A lot has happened. Many little arguments. A couple of long painful conversations that night. In the car, on the parking lot, finally at home. I saw my husband break right in front of me, he admitted losing optimism about my recovery and our marriage. I've never been in that position where I was the one pleading him to come back, come back to me. We were only next to each other on the sofa, the kids in between us, asleep. We didn't get the chance to put them to bed anymore. But he was so far away. So much silence. I wanted to know what he was thinking. He couldn't say. I asked him if he still loved me, he said yes.
I don't remember how or why we ended up on our knees praying. Maybe because we were both so exhausted and just wanted all of that to end, but we didn't know how. I was still on my knees, sobbing quietly in the end. He had already lied down on the rug next to me. Then he reached out and grabbed my arm to pull me closer. I lied down to face him and cried on his chest.
My therapist said that I needed to let him know my needs, and to keep saying them, so that I would not feel trapped or invalidated. So that's what I did, but I guess my husband got frustrated that it wasn't sinking in. He had to keep repeating himself. His promises didn't reassure me, because I guess I'm so damaged and insecure that I want to just bleed him dry. Nothing he said or did was enough and the realisation of that, broke him.
When will I ever be satisfied? He said that if we resolve [x] this time, will it be [y] another time? He said that I was so toxic.
It hurt me so much when he said that maybe it wasn't my mother's fault at all, and that maybe I pushed her to say or feel the things she did. Just like I was doing to him.
I don't know if he realised that was below the belt, I guess not. But it's not true.
But I feel so invalidated all the same. What my therapist said, that I matter enough to get my needs met, so I can ask... I'm not so sure I can.
This was meant to be an experiment, to see that not all relationships are like with my parents. People listen and validate you. And then you get your needs met. This time with my husband, it didn't happen. Instead the opposite happened, my fears came true. The exact things we said wouldn't.
Even though he said he is trying and will continue to listen and do his best for me - even though I know he is genuine... I still feel pushed down and emotionally unsafe.
Even before myself I must put his sanity first. I can't ever let what happened, repeat itself. I can't hurt him like that again.
I feel I am too much. Why are my emotions, and my needs, so immense?
I wish my parents had reassured me when I was younger, so that I wouldn't carry my neediness forward into my adult relationships.
I'm so sad, I feel thwarted.
2022-06-01.10:14 a.m.
<< | # ! ? ♥ | >>