Been a whole week! I went to Snowdonia for G's birthday in the end. Husband and I drove six hours to North Wales for a short hike and a picnic at Dolgoch falls. There were a few other people there that we know, so it was a good-sized group. It's nice to get out of the city with my family. Little girl enjoyed climbing boulders - 'earth giants'. Little boy collected sticks and rocks to throw in the brook where we paused for a break.
I got G tickets to see LS in concert with her danny. She was so happy, she said it had been thirty years since they both had seen any show. Basically since the first kid was born. I said, I know, I remembered you said it and that's why I got you these. LS was the lead in the last musical they saw together at the West End, so it was fitting.
She thanked us and said, I have nothing to offer you guys. My danny said, No, just your time is enough. And it's true. The time she spends listening to me, the time she spent with us on her birthday.
Driving home, I noticed she messaged me to say, thank you, my part-time daughter. I'm glad to have a few people in my life who make me appreciate the challenges it brings x
Which made me chuckle, because to an outsider it might sound like all I bring to her are problems LOL. But I know what it meant. We talk about these challenges to each other, finding the positives in whatever issues we both face.
I'm struggling with my relationship with my real mother. I know that it's for my own good, to go no-contact with her. My therapist agrees. But my moral conscience and my husband are both telling me to repair things, be the bigger person and at least get things to a place where the relationship isn't completely severed. My parents did the best they could. They're not bad people.
Everytime I think about it I get upset, instead of being at peace with it. I feel isolated from the rest of my family. It was going to be an intervention for my brother, but because they choose to tolerate what he's doing, it seems that I'm the one being iced out for disturbing the peace.
Why am I being punished for doing the right thing? While my mother and brother now go to Amsterdam acting like nothing is wrong. Why am I suddenly the bad child, for bringing something up that needs to be stopped? I feel like I'm going crazy.
Yesterday I got an email saying I can still reverse the journal deletion I thought I executed a year ago. It took me aback. It has been over a year since this whole fiasco leading up to my relapse. I mentioned it to G and she said, "That's definitely one of the things you don't want to go back to, j. It has been a challenging year."
I look back and she's right. To even consider undeleting that journal seems like a slap in the face to the people who have helped me get out of that deep mire. Recovering the journal that sparked my relapse is an insult to myself and how much I have progressed just in the last year. I can't go back.
2022-04-29.8:38 a.m.
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