I have been escaping from my mind lately, by writing. There are copies of things from over a decade ago, which I found recently. I stopped doing all of that when I got married. I'm not a 'writer' (cringe) but I have really enjoyed writing this time around, and surprisingly it's not about anything depressing.
It's consumed me somewhat; the word count on this thing I started a few days ago is nearly 6500. I don't know how that compares to others but I've never been this active creatively before; I think I need to take a break and ground myself back to reality. I'm not sure what is/ was happening. It's like when you spend 16 hours a day playing Sims and then you shut the game down but start to imagine the ways you can control real life with the keyboard, too.
I have been taking some steps to self-regulate and step out. Baths, sex, social time, going out for walks. But my mind keeps going back to what I'm working on, and I keep looking out for other things to write about. Today I volunteered to write an outline or script for a five-minute 'film'. I just needed to know there will be something else to move on to, once the piece I am on now, is finished.
My regular eating has been great this week, bar a few instances where I've felt bloated and scared, when I've had to change outfits last minute because I didn't like my appearance... but I have been able to follow all the rules. I can honestly say I've tried hard.
However because I have a tickly throat that leads to an awful, persistent cough once I'm exposed to dry air, I told my therapist it would probably be best to skip our Saturday session. I am a little apprehensive that I won't know my weight this week, although I have a strong feeling I have gained. Maybe my cough is a blessing in disguise, so that my regular eating can be prolonged without the knowledge of weight gain scuppering my progress.
My weight has been weirdly stable for 4 weeks in a row, literally only 0.1 kg difference each time. Last week, was exactly the same as the week before. I joked that I weigh myself beforehand, and drink the exact amount of water to ensure that the desired number is on the scales. Therapist joked that I probably have weights in my pockets.
Now that the year is about to close, I thought I should start writing about gratitude. I don't want to do any real looking back yet - it doesn't feel like things have naturally concluded. I am still in the middle of this little challenge. What a reminder that even though the calendar gives us tidy parameters to measure the passage of time, it doesn't really indicate when chapters open and close in our lives.
I am grateful that we still have what we have, despite what has happened. I am grateful for the women in my life who listen and walk with me through trials. I have them to look up to and emulate.
I am grateful for my husband who never, ever, ever blames me for anything. Who works hard, but has for this entire year, spent so much time with us, arguably to the detriment of his job. One way to see it is that he sacrificed that, for me.
I have gratitude for my children who amaze me, even my youngest who, even with his challenges, brings us so much unexpected joy. Is it a sin to say that him making me laugh about typical things is already quite extraordinary? That I don't really expect him to bring us those regular 'happy' milestones? I guess.
Things can be hard with him. Honesty is hard. I feel like a bad parent for admitting that it's hard to be a hundred percent happy when your son has difficulties. There is always going to be a bit of sadness, worry, that they won't just glide through life because there will be additional obstacles.
If only all people are kind and accepting. But even in supposedly safe spaces you can encounter hostility. I remember vaguely, getting a random hateful message in a forum online when I asked what I should do, what I should gear up for and how I should frame my thinking, when I first noticed little boy's delays at around a year old. This troll said my baby was going to grow up hating me because of my inability to I guess by their interpretation, accept him as he is? When I was just panicked parent who didn't know what to do. The health professionals were all telling me I was imagining his delays and lack of social communication. I didn't realise that asking for support and looking for answers could elicit such a cruel response. Others were very helpful though.
It's a journey.
Not having any high expectations for him is what has allowed me to cope - knowing that he has his own trajectory. It is so true what they say that comparison is the thief of joy. I have just learned to enjoy him as he is, and be happy as and when he suddenly does something a typical 2.5 year old, or even a 1.5 year old will do. He will get there in his own time.
Today for example, he found some toy animals (pig, chicken, duck) and a toy apple and juice. He played pretend mealtime with them. That was a huge step for him and it made me so proud.
2021-12-17.10:06 p.m.
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