today in therapy. discovering this lens of abandonment through which i view relationships. a stubborn self-sabotaging habit that perpetuates that abandonment schema. my template to fit people into that narrative. it was explained to me the cluster of attachment disruptions, emotional dysregulation, trauma, eating disorders. i could be a case study, a text book example, a figure example in scientific literature.

i talked with my husband last night and he gave me the tough love approach. stop this fixation, he said.

you are interpreting things incorrectly. she cares for you.
the audacity of telling me what to do, when you yourself can't change.
if you had a hard week it's your own doing.

several hours before that, he attempted to be intimate and i broke down. it's just been hard a hard week, i said. but i felt his longing so i held it in. i wiped my eyes and then i gave in. i was glad for the physical comfort. and release. i didn't think he even heard what i said. it became apparent that he did, because he then used that moment of vulnerability against me.

days prior to that there were times that i stopped eating. guilt and shame and the thought of facing my therapist kept me just about complying with the programme.

some time before that i was hit with harshness, (perceived) rejection. i thought to just leave it.

and even after therapy today i am still choosing to leave it. against advice. therapist said this has such a strong hold of me, the pattern is enduring. why not ask and fact-check and either confirm or deny my fears? because i am convinced that i will be abandoned for good. rejected even before i get the chance to ask. certainty is scary. limbo is painful but tolerable.

as long as you can entertain the possibility that you may be wrong. it may be that she does not know how to tread, hence the tentativeness. but you've convinced yourself that it's because she doesn't care about you and wants nothing to do with you.

how does one lie to oneself? what if what you thought was a lie really is the truth?

2021-11-06.7:26 p.m.
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