i dreamt i was at a house getting ready for a run. snow floated down on an already laden ground and g was outside to see me off. we were talking- i don't even remember about what now. it was kind of like old times the way there were many people around; maybe we all slept over for an excursion just like we used to.

i wake up with a weight on my chest. i still have it. a longing. and the knowledge that those are now lost things.

i have been dreaming about running a good few times now, the freedom i felt was exhilarating.

last night i started to meditate at the usual time, but it occurred to me that the reason i couldn't get into it was because i did not want to feel anything. i was afraid of opening up my heart and releasing my worries because they might flood me, the room, the house. i was not sure if i could contain it or when it would end.

i was able to do this before, with g. now i am just totally unable to trust because even she left.

i am welling up now as i write this. my husband is jogging in place in our living room, my little boy is excited and engrossed in Bolt, signing 'dog' and jumping about. i can't let go. i can't cry.

2021-11-03.8:09 a.m.
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