Officially underweight. That's fine, it's better than gaining. I just really don't have that much appetite. I do eat though, especially when we are out socialising. I'm not starving myself on purpose. Maybe a few weeks ago, when things were rough on the marriage front. But lately things have just been so busy with the filming deadlines, then the death. Then I was ill for a few days.
I think I found the new norm for me, too, thanks to therapy. I cannot allow myself to overeat, no matter how nice the food is. The physical feeling is too uncomfortable for me, also the mental toll of knowing I've had too much food. But I genuinely think that is OK. That's how it has to be for me for the rest of my life, and it's not really a burden. That's how people should be anyway, right? Mindful of stopping eating when they're already satisfied or full? I can accept that that's who I am now, someone who can never get over-full, or if I do, then I have to be prepared to ride out that discomfort wave.
I don't really get cravings now. It's been like this for a week or so. I try and get myself worked up about food but it doesn't inspire or bring me excitement. I guess, again, that that's OK. It's ok that I only use food as fuel and not as a means of enjoyment. I just have to ensure that whatever I do eat, is nutritionally of good quality.
My therapist is moving his practice from Notting Hill to Oxford Circus, so that's going to be a bit of a longer drive for us. We've been online for a couple weeks in a row now because he had issues with booking with the new management. He said it just pissed him off so he's just moving elsewhere.
I don't know why I wrote about that, it's not particularly interesting. I feel therapy has been not as necessary lately. Mentally I've been sound. I think. I've not been letting myself get in my feelings. Is that what normal is for people? Just shutting emotions out so they can function? I've been trying not to grieve, either. I have to stay strong.
2022-06-20.11:08 a.m.
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