Yeah I dunno if it's the eating disorder or because I just don't have the appetite, but I've not really wanted to eat much lately. I know I'm losing weight but not that much. I can eat if it doesn't require much effort, I just don't enjoy food so much?
My therapist hasn't even seen my message yet confirming tomorrow's appointment.
I was trying to see if I could catch up with g and I've been struggling through some issues lately. But g has asked for space, she's overloaded with other people asking for her support and other responsibilities she has, that she feels she cannot do properly at the moment. I told her thats fine, thank you for telling me so I don't walk on eggshells and don't become paranoid.
There is one thing she said, about me being in therapy for like 12 months now, can I honestly say there has been a significant step forward?
I said that some things she said are inaccurate. Because obviously I tell her snippets only, and mostly bad snippets and not their resolution, thinking we'd get to talk about them later but we never did get that chance cos things are busy for us.
I said I know how things have changed for me too, for the better.
But also I have days, many times where I'm just so low that I doubt if I'm even progressing.
Ive been so busy this last week doing rewrites and working against a deadline for our film, and other events I'm coordinating. But honestly I like this. I know my therapist will say I'm like a hamster running in my wheel again, but this gives me purpose, happiness, a creative outlet.
I don't think it's unhealthy at all. I'm managing to still look after my other responsibilities. It also helps distract me from feeling sad about g.
But I'm not as sad as I was in November when I had intense abandonment fears. Because I know, and we've talked about it before, that she isn't abandoning me. It literally is just about prioritising herself. I can manage my own problems. She doesn't not love me. I can cope and sit through my negative emotions. Instead of relying on her and turning to her immediately, I am practising waiting, and feeling those intense emotions. And finding my own way out.
I've been focusing on matters I can deal with here at home. Getting my household sorted instead of internalising, or indulging in those sad feelings.
When I have more time, I will list ways I feel I have progressed. I feel hungry now, I've just had one timbit for breakfast and it's 3pm now.
2022-06-10.2:50 p.m.
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