Had a scary moment, or more than a moment the other day when I really wanted to hurt myself. I reached out and just said it out loud.
It's all about feeling trapped where I am, insecurity about my husband not choosing me over his family. When I would choose him in a heartbeat. About him lying to me by omission, even when I pointedly asked, he was careful about his words.
Am I insecure because I don't have that same closeness with my family, and I can't relate? Am I being selfish?
I didn't eat for a few days. There was a day I didn't brush my teeth until 7pm. That day I also didn't drink any water until evening. Just stayed in bed mostly, for those couple days.
G said eventually that it was sad for her to see that I was on self destruct mode and she didn't know what to think or say at the time.
I said sorry and that I didn't mean to have her be the person I reached out to, I just didn't know what to do. She said we'll speak soon. But I'm unsure, because I'm embarrassed about being vulnerable and afraid of being co-dependent again.
No one else knows about the self harm. Only her and her husband because I obviously lived with them before. G used to clean me up.
I haven't acknowledged it as a problem, because honestly I'm ashamed of it. I don't want my husband, even my therapist, to think I'm more broken, that I'm crazier than I am. That's why I've kept it secret.
The last day or so I've been trying to slow down. See the pleasure and value in the mundane. I imagine taking stills, 3 second videos of my cooking, my food, my tea. I clean the house as if someone special is coming over, but I don't rush it.
I imagine I'm someone else, looking into these small moments of my life and thinking, that's peaceful. That brings me a little joy, day dreaming like that.
Is that weird? Whatever. It's helping for now.
Little boy had an eye appointment today. I loved that the doctor we saw, knew baby sign and really engaged him. She said to see him more often, so he will get used to being there and maybe next time he will finally want to be "tested", because, due to his condition he is non-verbal and can't understand instructions / has little receptive language. He is also averse to touch and sounds, so he has to be 'trained', he has to learn how to even do an eye exam and play the games to test his sight.
I also have to train him to not hate his glasses, by leaving it out for him to see, so he will get used to it and then maybe eventually wear it.
Oh yes I have to practise the game he will eventually do with the eye doctor, at home. So he will know it for next time.
I have so much work to do with him, just so he can do things I used to take for granted with my daughter.
Today I was happy to see he finally learned to drink from an open cup. He's nearly three so that's useful for nursery. I'm so happy!
It's been about three nights, he has sat still and listened to their bedtime story. Plus points for his attention span! He still covers his ears, but I have been encouraging him to put his hands down and relax. He doesn't usually like any adult-led activities.
For two or three days now he has been obsessed with jigsaw puzzles. I leave him to it because, again, because he can't 'understand' verbal language sometimes it's easier for me if he figures it out on his own. He figured out jigsaw puzzles himself, just went and did an 8 piece one in a few minutes as soon as I got it out. I was surprised. I came back from the toilet and he was working on the next one already.
His language is coming on too, it's so magical. Everything right now is about 1.5 years behind, but wow. I'm so grateful.
2022-05-20.11:16 p.m.
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