I felt so connected with him in those moments. Just needing to be close in all the ways possible. I felt beautiful, loved, cared for. Satisfied. We talked in the days before, which is always painful, but always cathartic and ultimately always brings us closer to understanding the other.
He said my writing hurt him, because I neglected everything else that I was supposed to be responsible for, in order to complete those scripts. I had thought that he would be happy for me, and proud of me. I thought, here I am, having to reduce myself again and sacrifice. It makes me sad that I cannot feel whole through pursuing such things because I am attached now, to my husband, to his job, and my responsibilities.
He reminded me that even above myself, I have children that I basically forgot about. He stepped in, which is fine, because he's their dad. But just an example, I lost sleep and that catalysed other negative behaviours from me too. I had tunnel vision.
Therapist said that maybe you don't have to reduce yourself down to anything to make space for your other duties. What your husband is asking from you, is to rebalance.
I fell out with my mother. I told her things I had kept from her for well over a decade. The fact that whenever I have asked her for emotional support in the past, or even when I was already in hospital, she always turned it around to make it about her and blamed me for my eating disorder. She responded by playing the victim again. I told her there is no reasoning with her if she's not willing to listen to me, and proving exactly my point, doing exactly the same thing I have just told her was extremely hurtful to me.
She said how dare I. that I didn't need to point out how terrible a mother she is, that she already knows she is a failure, she's stupid... but she said that sarcastically. As if to show me that I'm a bad daughter for pointing out her mistakes. And to emotionally manipulate me into feeling guilty, for telling her how she hurt me.
As if I was going to then feel bad enough that I would turn around and say, oh you know what, you're right. You are a good mum, it was my mistake. You're absolved of your shortcomings.
I can't believe I fell into that trap again, of reaching out thinking that I would get a different response from her other than invalidation. I can't keep getting hurt, over and over, while attempting to repair our relationship.
I realised that I'm done. I may only ever have one mother, but I have my own family now. I have other mother figures. I have experienced validation, care, from other people and they showed me what I have missed out on. It's wonderful. I can experience it and I can impart the same to my kids.
I can love so much better than she loved me. I can learn how to do it for my own daughter.
Yesterday, for the first time my husband and I were accosted in public over my son having a massive meltdown. I brought him out of the coffee shop so he didn't bother the other customers. He had been crying in the street for about ten minutes and I couldn't calm him. I just had to leave him to regulate himself back down. Everytime I even went near him, he cried even louder.
This was a street where there was outdoor seating for other establishments and of course they could all see and hear what was happening. My failed attempts to help.
Eventually I went in and just watched him from the other side of the glass, keeping an eye of course for his safety. Every few minutes I went to him to test the waters. No effect. It was then husband's turn, while I went in to have my drink and talk to our friends.
A few minutes later I noticed a little bit of kerfuffle outside. My husband was telling this tall old man, "Ok, I listened to what you said, will you now listen to me? No. No. You need to listen to me now. Have you heard of being on the autism spectrum."
He was using his voice, the one he uses on me sometimes when I need to listen to reason. So I knew it was serious. I have never seen him confront or stand up to anyone before. I went outside. The man told him, that this is a public street where other people also have to hear our son crying.
I interrupted and said something about him being a child though, (he is only two) and that he cannot understand what we're telling him. It is literally a disability.
My husband was saying other things, asking the tall man if he is a parent. He said no, but I own a dog. Another stranger, a short man, came up to join the commotion and told the tall man to fuck off. Tall man's partner came back for him and escorted him away, but not before he said, "I have a dog and if it misbehaved like that, I'd sort him out."
I cried at this point. Our friend came over to me and gave me a little sideways hug. As if on cue, little boy came to me and asked to be picked up, so I did and he calmed down. The street was quiet again.
2022-04-18.1:57 p.m.
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