Had another one of those difficult conversations with D last night. It started off about our daughter's savings account. I said that I stopped putting money in it because I'd rather contribute towards our own, and then allocate a percentage for our kids when they come of age. I said that I'm afraid she might end up being financially irresponsible and spend the entire thing on something silly.
He asked if I had any objections about money going towards her wedding, and I said yes, I don't want her to spend the entire savings on one big night.
And then, he asked, could it be that because you were unhappy about your own wedding, that you don't want our child to have her dream wedding too?
I don't even know. I just told him that was below the belt and ridiculous.
Everything else that we discussed thereafter was kind of pointless, because it felt like an attack.
I realised that I don't meet the standard that he wants me to be at. And he can't meet the standard I've set him at. We don't know each other at all. If it weren't for the repercussions I would have run away by now. I don't want to see him and face my own guilt at being inadequate, see him and feel resentment.
There was a non-argument brought up from new year's eve last year. I said that the core of why I was so upset then, really, was the fact that I needed him to show me that understood. And it's clear up to now, that he doesn't. I thought that we went through the entire year together, all the shit that happened with me... but I realised actually I just went through it by myself. I thought that he understood what I was going through, but he didn't. He was just watching, in the sidelines. And that's why that non-argument happened.
It dawned on me last night how clueless he is and how alone I actually am.
Our toddler was playing on D's tablet and toddler must have swiped on a message that came up. I took him out of the app. Well it turns out D created a channel today dedicated to ... facts about me, or things I said. I thought, well this is good, because he's getting to know me.
But most of the things there were.. negative. Things that I wanted from him, yes, but also only negative things that I believe to be true. From our conversation last night.
I don't know if that's because I'm a negative person in general. Or if he intends to use these discoveries, as a weapon against me. Like he did about the wedding. But I know in his bones, he's not vindictive, or spiteful.
I feel such disillusionment. Is it right for me to say, that these last few months I have been feeling a lot of sadness about my marriage? The fact that D isn't living up to my very high standard. The fact that I feel trapped because of what he does for a job. The fact that he doesn't understand or is incapable of understanding my emotional struggles.
No doubt that I am not seeing the other positive things about our marriage, and there are many.
He's right in that, I should have a more positive outlook in life now. It's not the past anymore, I'm out of that now.
It's so hard to shake. The suspicion, the cynicism, the insecurity. It affected my relationship with g. Now it's threatening my marriage.
2022-03-09.5:30 p.m.
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