I needed the distance so took a break from g. It had been a week. I was surprised because she does not often text first, but of the blue she messaged me to say H just passed away.
I was already aware as early as Monday when H had a sudden stroke. She had only a 2% chance of living even then.
G said that she was very saddened and reflected on H's humble and generous spirit.
I said, I'm here if you need me. We're also just trying to console each other down here.
And that was that. I have a bit of anxiety about a potential reply, but I don't think she will. It's better if she doesn't and I get to move on and count more days in my calendar separating myself from her.
Funny thing is she doesn't normally update me about happenings up north. I wonder if she's seeking reassurance about our relationship.
All I know is that things have become extremely enmeshed between us. I have also become irrationally jealous of A, because it feels like, if I hadn't gotten married and chosen to live this life with my husband, that I would not have been replaced by her in G's life. She needed that surrogate daughter figure and I provided it, until I left.
A is literally, everything I was, until I made this choice. I was moving up in my career, doing a Masters, I already lived in G's house. I had a 25% pay rise until I quit to marry D.
Now A is planning to get a mortgage there, so she can live closer to G. It really is quite fascinating and weird, that she calls her 'mum' and D 'dad'.
It wouldn't be so bad if we were friends, but it feels like A now has negative feelings towards me and that started when she discovered my history with G and her family; when G invited me for a hike last year. A ignored me the entire time. I wish we could be friends because she is literally, previous-me.
But what am I thinking? People would kill to be in my position. A would be so lucky to live my life. She probably wants what I have, minus the constant moving and lack of stability.
I just feel trapped, I think. I need to count my blessings, stop focusing on other people and enrich my own life.
I wonder if this is a well-documented phenomenon that all housewives go through when their kids become a little more independent. There's certainly the 7-year itch. It feels like my entire life is under some kind of threat, from my own mind. I feel some kind of restlessness.
2022-03-04.9:34 a.m.
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