I reluctantly told my therapist about the secrets. Just sobbed for half the session because finally, I could unload about the recent events with no filter.
He also said that it's fascinating how I seem to have taken on responsibility for other people's mistakes and actions. Hearing about it, was not my fault. I did nothing wrong. But as with other things I seem to not be able to close this door, either.
I think what really upset me, was that I fucking looked up to g. And the revelation of her affair destroyed this perfect image I had of her. I still look up to her, but I don't want to normalise what she did. However, I also do not want to look at her and think that she just made those bad choices, out of nowhere.
I just cannot wrap my head around it. I feel like I need to take a break from talking to her and untangle myself from our enmeshment. And let the natural decay of emotions take place within myself.
I lost weight too. And it's clear why, from my logs and from the emotional upheaval. He said it was a notable drop because it's not like I started at a high weight. But I haven't relapsed, and so I should make a choice and take action now to stop it from spiraling.
I was honest and said, I don't feel like it, I feel like staying at this comfortable zone where I can just let the illness do its thing, and I lose weight, because it's safer and easier than working.
We couldn't reach a positive resolution so I just said, it's OK, because I'm still at a healthy BMI.
Yes, he said, until you aren't.
So here I am, in limbo again. Kind of wanting to keep the momentum going so I can lose just a little more weight and get back to the safer, 18.5 zone. It's safer for me, and it's still safe in terms of metrics.
I have been trying to convince and motivate myself to choose recovery, since that session.
2022-02-28.9:50 a.m.
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