Had a Zoom meeting with the lady doing the voiceover for my screenplay (or should I say 'short film' now?) late last night. Admittedly I've been so controlling about this whole project, I feel like a creative director rather than a scriptwriter lol, but everyone is just letting me do what I need to do and the producer is happy backing me up and making sure the vision is manifested.
But the meeting last night was really eye-opening for me. By letting the VO actress do her bit without any input from me it really surprised me, what new, amazing things other people can contribute. I should work on that. I am a real control freak, I do not trust people.
That was one of the things husband was telling me about yesterday.
It makes me think my whole personality is just a trauma response. That makes me sad; brings me back to a dark place where I'm entertaining secondary feelings of, what's wrong with me, I am inherently broken. Or if it' isn't inherent, then I must be so broken to the point where I cannot fix this, really. I just have to own it and accept that there are strengths to be drawn from it, and then if anyone has a problem with it (eg husband) then I have to adapt to them, if their presence in my life matters so much.
Kind of like having to adapt to my eating disorder, after accepting that it will never truly go away, I just have to manage and control it. At the end of the day I'm trying to better myself for my family.
I haven't spoken to G in a while and I think it's better if I don't. I get so triggered by her. I know our issues have been resolved for the most part but I can't seem to remove that twisted maternal association in my mind. It doesn't matter now, how it happened, and who is at fault (or does it?) but it's there and I have to sort it out so that it doesn't hinder my recovery.
But then, it's like, so do I just remove her completely from my life? That's impossible given this whole ecosystem we are in is so interweaved. There's already a bond there between our families, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies. The only real thing separating us now is distance, and who knows, what if we're moved to exactly where they are and I have to go back there? That would be extremely difficult for me. Even just one day in the summer caused a lot of issues.
Okay, here I am again with my pre-empting and thinking-too-much. Danny keeps quoting G and using what she told him, against me. But they're both right, anyway. Something is wrong with me.
2022-01-18.12:37 p.m.
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