Ugh. Difficult conversation with husband earlier. I don't know if I even want to recount it, it isn't nice to be told your faults by someone who knows you the most. I guess G knows me too, but mostly my past. And really she knows my eating disorder. The current things she knows now are somewhat filtered too. My husband knows me down to my ugly, ugly core.
He said some things that he had been keeping back, my tendencies to jump to conclusions, get hyper-emotional and then say things that are hurtful.
He said that he didn't want to continue the conversation the other night not to spite me or hurt me, but because he didn't want it to go somewhere ugly, and it did, because he said when he left he heard me question our marriage.
And that's true. I threw a chopping board into the sink and cried in a rage, saying, What are we even doing? What kind of marriage is this, if we're not communicating?. Something of the sort. I told him that that was because this is not the first time he's held back when it comes to communicating.
He said that the things I should change were: not to be overly emotional, and not to think too much. Er.
I said, What? What's wrong with being emotional? If anything something is wrong with you, for not wanting to go there. Why won't you go there?
He said he isn't afraid of emotions, he just doesn't like where we go when I get emotional and he meets me there.
Also stuff about me being so strict with time, but when I make him late for appointments he's just learned to roll with it instead of getting upset like he did before. He said he has to adjust ALL the time around me, but I don't change.
I'm not sure about that. So I said, so what am I doing in therapy then?
Then he said something about maybe the reason why I was in a funk yesterday was because I missed therapy the day before. Because I didn't want to do an online session, and that was proof that I was still insisting on what I wanted rather than what was good for me. Because the truth is that we could move any time, and I will have to get used to online sessions if we do. He is right about that.
He did acknowledge that I'm better in some ways.
He said something about not wanting things to get physical and that's why he left and I was so triggered - I said, You would really hurt me? Because I'd never do that to you. I'm telling you now that if you do, it's over, I will leave you, there is no question about that.
Honestly. And then he said that that wasn't even what he meant; he meant 'physical' as in I was throwing things because he saw the chopping board on the floor (I guess it didn't go in the sink like I intended). He even laughed and said that he could never do that, and again, isn't it funny how I jump to conclusions and assume that that was what he meant.
I told him, well of course. You say it's funny that I over-think and jump to conclusions and am over-emotional, and get upset about physical abuse, but it just shows you that you don't understand. Why would someone be all of those things - you don't know where it's from, what I've experienced that I'm so affected by even the mention of those things.
I didn't want to reveal what I did, but it's happened now. I regret it. It came out, but it's too late. I guess I'm now reassured that that will never happen to us.
He said it's important that even when we disagree and fight, we know that we still love each other. I told him, of course, I never for once think that I don't love you anymore. He said he has no ill feelings towards me. As he has said before, he married me. Fighting doesn't mean divorce, or separation. He would never leave. He married me.
He said sorry for the things he was sorry about. I did too, after everything was done. Make-up sex was imminent but the landlady came over to gave us a dehumidifier for the bedroom. I cleaned the mould off the back of the wardrobe. The room is airing out now.
I'm going to practise writing a play. There's something coming up this year and I don't want to be surprised by it when I receive the theme so I need to prepare. Maybe not my own story for now but adapt something else. Then when I know more I can do the real thing.
2022-01-17.3:19 p.m.
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