Therapy was fine. My weight is stable despite not having been weighed properly for a month. I told g that I finally reached a bmi of 19 and this was her reply,
Aww, j I feel like crying for you kid, I'm soo happy you have no idea
With a bunch of kiss, love and heart emojis. I was touched, I don't know anyone at the moment who would know what reaching an OK bmi means regarding recovery who would feel happy for me (husband doesn't get any of the weight stuff). I guess because she was kind of telling me off in November for thinking that sub-18 was fine. I think she thought I was in denial and going too easy on myself and she even mentioned the word 'spoonfeeding' which I resented, and I told her that I wasn't being spoonfed and she isn't recognising the work I already had done up to that point. She took it back and just said not to be complacent because there's a fine line between validating my hard work and sliding back when this is clearly a serious problem.
I'm still so tired from all of the appointments and commitments and never-ending housework, worrying if D is doing his job properly and wanting to help him, wanting to fit in my exercise and then planning my meals and not dismissing meal time alarms... and at the same time needing to sleep and sit down to relax, journal and fit in hobby-writing and also be sociable so I don't become depressed. I wish we could just fit sex into the schedule earlier in the day too, so I don't have to sacrifice sleep for it. I don't know how sustainable this current setup is.
Therapist was asking my what the next step is for me now, that I'm more stable. He asked if I think this is just a happy coincidence or if I feel like I worked for it. I said maybe a combination of both. At the time I felt it was more coincidence, because I was forced to confront the issue with g, but in hindsight I really was the one that did the emotional work to fix that. He asked how things are with her now. I said fine, we're social and text occasionally but I'm not dumping things her way.
And that's true, but there's still a need for me to know that she's always there. And I know my overarching goal is emotional independence. Maybe it's something to bring up next time. I was a little taken aback because he mentioned her out of nowhere. Maybe that's just a feeling that I have to sit with, but not act on. And eventually, it will go away. I definitely have attachment issues.
Anyway, what are the next steps for me? He asked me to think about that, or maybe for now I just have to consolidate things instead of pushing yet. I feel that's a more achievable goal, because at the moment my regular eating isn't good. I'm obviously not consciously starving myself, but being so busy, even recording my meals has been a struggle.
We went out for birthday lunch by the Tower Bridge yesterday, it was lovely of course and the view was amazing, but when we came home my friends had arranged a little evening party for me and another friend who also celebrated her birthday last week. So whilst that was fun and special, I was exhausted by the time the day was over. I hate being so flippin needy but also being too exhausted, lazy and even too shy to initiate sex, but I also kinda wanted it last night but we both just fell asleep watching Netflix. Sadly when I woke up we missed an huge part of the episode and I ended up seeing a crucial part when the mystery killer finally confessed to the crime. LOL.
I have just bought presents for people who are having their birthdays this month. I feel that gift-giving really is my love language. Funny trivia, G's husband has the same name as mine. Whenever we say 'danny' we always have to say 'your' danny or 'my' danny, for example last time she said, 'give danny a big hug... your danny'. Hah. Anyway her danny's birthday is this month so I bought some premium socks for him, and then of course for the rest of their family, as a belated new year present. And then I also bought a pair for me and my danny too, cos those are damn good socks. Actually, I believe the brand is called Darn Tough socks. Heheh.
I need to get on with things in the house again, just took a break to write this. Groceries are going off in the fridge because I've not had time to cook, but somehow we have a lot of leftovers and takeaway containers in there. We keep getting food from people.
We also randomly got a brand new coffee machine yesterday? And I was gifted a second Barbour coat yesterday. People seem to just like to give us things, it really is a blessing. I won't say what else we got the other day but I was shocked. Like open-mouthed in disbelief shock. It came out of nowhere, and so much. I guess they love my husband. And the kids, because they're adorable. And maybe me too. I'm grateful.
2022-01-10.11:40 a.m.
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