I don't understand. My mood swings are just, not right. Honestly when I feel like this... and I don't want to exaggerate but I literally think to myself, I wish I was dead, could I just disappear, could I just end my life so I don't have to feel like this. How can anyone live and suffer through the pain of it?
So that's what's in my mind right now. I wish I was dead, so I don't have to feel like this.
I know what the trigger is, and as usual I did it to myself, because I went down another rabbit hole and then those feelings of jealousy and not being loved as much as I need to be loved, came back. It's irrational. We love people in different ways, There are different parts of our hearts that we dedicate to different people. But I want it all. It's my inner child wanting to have it all.
Maybe this is just an effect of being so tired lately, falling behind on chores and my regular eating again. Because I am loved, I know that, but how come I can't feel it the way it should be felt? Why is there a pull in my chest sucking all the air out backwards?
And then it just leads to secondary feelings of feeling sorry for myself and being scared that I will be disordered and unable to manage my emotions, for life. The fear of having to go to therapy for even longer, when our status at this current location is unstable. I hate online therapy.
I need to do some self-care tonight, maybe. A bath after the kids go to bed, or maybe just a nap before husband comes back from work.
My body, and my mind are not safe places to be in right now. I don't understand this at all.
2022-01-07.5:41 p.m.
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