jacket

My parents and aunt came over yesterday, arrived at 7 am so yet again I only got 4 hours sleep (same as today). Anyway the first thing my aunt said to me when she hugged me hello, was how thin I was. I hadn't seen her in many, many years. I don't remember the last time we even spoke.

The visit was OK. I anticipated that it would be problematic but my aunt was a good buffer I think, or an impediment to me feeling angry and consequently, acting mean towards my parents.

They've done nothing wrong so it would have been unfair of me to act out. I think I was subconsciously wanting to do that. Imagine if I had. That would have made so much sense to me but confusing for them, because I am the only one carrying this baggage.

At one point I got dressed to go out and wore a new jacket. The two sisters complimented me. My mother said, "What size are you wearing, 6?"

I knew what she was doing. She was trying to gauge if I was unwell again. I said, No, 8 or 10 I think. I checked the jacket and it said 8. Phew.

Or at least, I hope that was OK to them, because it is to me. That passes as both healthy and small, appeasing us both.

Little comments like me preparing salad to go with the other lunch, and aunt saying "I wish I could eat this all the time so I can be skinny like you."

But I also prepared and ate ramen, and ate egg on toast. So I hope that if my mother was worrying, that me eating those things reassured her. It reminded me of that extra long hug she gave me back in August, when I went to see G. I know she suspected something even then, because she knows I'll reach out to G if I'm ever unwell.

I just don't want my parents ever involved in my illness. It's not for them to try to fix or interfere with. Because let's just say a confrontation happens. I'll tell them everything they did wrong, and what will happen, they'll feel compelled to apologise, but then what? That won't change anything. Their apology means nothing, and can't give me any comfort. They're not capable of the steps required to comfort me and I don't want that anyway.

The best thing they can do for me at this point in our lives, is to make sure they are well and not give me any huge problems if and when they pass away, because I know out of my brother and I, I will be the one to shoulder the logistics of that. It's morbid, but I pray to God they make things as smooth as possible for me.

I'm appreciative of all the practical help for my children, and even for me at the moment. But emotional - that's not something I expect from them at all, and that's fine. We are where we are now.

Time for lunch.


2022-01-04.1:10 p.m.
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