About the last entry. Maybe I just needed a chemical reset. Had sex and that did it for me. I almost want to feel bad about it, because the uplift in mood seems almost contrived, but fuck it (pun not intended) I won't apologise for a good orgasm. I didn't realise I needed it, but I did. Maybe I was subconsciously pissed at my husband because we hadn't done it in a week - not his fault - but even the other stuff I had a problem with, seem so trivial now. It's funny the things that get resolved after a bedroom session and the intimate moments after. I really just missed being naked in all the ways you can be naked and unguarded, with this special person that I chose.
Oh, plus endorphin and oxytocin and all that.
I mean even when I was terribly depressed, sex was one of the very few things that would make me just a little bit better. If my therapist isn't who he is, I mean if we didn't already know each other from before and he didn't personally know everyone I know... I would love to explore this further because I think a lot of my attitude towards intimacy now is rooted in other problematic areas of my past. I don't know, maybe that's just another thing I have to get over. But I feel the four-week break from in-person therapy harmed our relationship and I feel somewhat detached and unable to open up to him again.
Or maybe that's because my mental state is a lot better now than at the start, so I'm not so vulnerable to baring my soul, not so desperate for connection and validation and solution. I'm due to see him next weekend so, we'll see how I feel then.
My parents are coming over tomorrow. I'm bracing myself.
2022-01-02.5:31 p.m.
<< | # ! ? ♥ | >>