current

I don't remember how disappointments just used to wash over me. How did it happen that things just switched, and now little setbacks become difficult obstacles to overcome? Something happened in my brain early in the year that put me on such high alert, in a state of hypersensitivity.

I posted some of my writing in an anonymous internet corner and it surprisingly got some good feedback. I won't share it here though, it would spell trouble for me if I was doxxed, however that may come about. I already had people messaging me privately who seem to want more than express their appreciation for my story.

Little boy had play therapy the other day and did so well, again. He demonstrated more shared attention and made more eye contact. He also had a speech and language evaluation yesterday and will be placed on the waiting list for therapy, which will start in about a month. They also recommended that he be assessed by the Multi-Disciplinary Team, because he has a number of delays and these need to be investigated. I know it is more difficult for them to diagnose when the child is so small, but I knew in my gut he needed this, over a year and a half ago. It's nice to be validated, but oh, how I wanted to be wrong.

My son will face a difficult life, but for as long as I'm here I'll help him through it.

I think maybe I am so hypersensitive, because I'm just... tired. The lack of stability that comes with my husband's job was something I accepted and was even enthralled by when I married him. The prospect of traveling with little to no notice was exciting, but now that we have a child with additional needs, now that I'm a decade older and in need of support myself, now that I have built a network of friendships here in our current assignment... Now that working on my mental health is taking a toll on me... I have become exhausted.

I put roots down and forgot. And maybe all of this, what's happening, is a reminder that I have vowed to do the complete opposite. I vowed to be water and adapt, to hold my husband's hand and sit still with him through the ebb and flow of things.

But I cannot afford to question my life choices. What the hell am I doing?

I didn't sign up for the politics of all of this, all the petty shit that I am being put through. I don't understand why some people just cannot be kind.

Therapy on Saturday, I have to commute nearly two hours to get there, whereas before my husband would drive me. We are about to get a personal car to replace the company one, and also one that I can use to practise my driving so I can finally get my licence.

I'm going to go scrub the bathtub before relaxing into it. I bought some new bath oils that I feel I deserve to use right now.


2021-12-09.10:58 a.m.
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