I whispered to my husband, the words shunned and exiled, for what happened at tonight's work/family social. News of my husband's demotion has been made official, and if people didn't already know, then they definitely would have noticed earlier. Boss's wife called me to explain the seating arrangements and how because of our little boy we would be at the back with other families who also had a baby. Fine, great.
But when we got there, she frantically explained that there were changes. I have seen her give that sort of rushed, distracted speech before, when she was trying to exclude other wives from a lunch that she roped me into attending and bringing food for. Someone had asked her why exactly the other wives were not there, and she couldn't give a straight answer.
Anyway, I go in and those two other families with small kids were ways away, and we were literally right at the back touching the radiators. Husband doesn't care but my pride was hurt. But I can't have pride. It's not good for what we are, for what we do. It just feels like the situation is crushing enough without us being downtrodden too. We never did get a proper explanation for why he was replaced. I can guess. Others can speculate and judge.
We aren't moving (for now), but we are losing the company car. Although we are also inheriting someone else's car at least until March when we have to pay for road tax etc out of pocket.
I was reading back some notes from a few months ago when I was first spiralling into depression, before I went to therapy. Grace was telling me, that by withholding my feelings, by handling them, I was protecting my husband and letting him do what he is meant to do.
It occurred to me today, that I have totally failed to do that. My condition has caused him to lose focus. He has had to work from home when he didn't need to, had to leave earlier at times due to my anxiety. His boss lost confidence in him, to a point where it became apparent that someone else could do a better job at it than him.
This is my fault. I can accept that and I truly do blame myself. However the solution now is just to get better.
I wish I could tell grace that she was right. But I'm too fragile, still, and I don't want to be emotional about this and dump my pain onto her again. Just as I ruined things for my husband, I don't want her to suffer more because I'm sharing my problems with her again. It's like I'm some sort of windstorm pulling everything in my hullabaloo. It's not enough that I am in pieces, I have to break other people too. Whoosh. Destruction.
2021-12-05.11:30 p.m.
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