Instances like this morning after managing to prepare and eat a lovely, normal breakfast only for it to be spoiled by fullness and the feelings of guilt and shame that ensued. Catastrophising about the resultant, potential weight gain in 3 days' time. Thinking how in the hell can I compensate for this, without derailing my recovery.
I hate this mental torture. I am just hoping that inertia wins in the end. Sitting still, journalling, instead of bringing myself to the bathroom. Practising mindfulness, investigating what exactly these feelings are, trying urge surfing. All the techniques we discussed in therapy.
I do not have it in me to recover for myself. I'm just hoping that if I go through the motions regardless, it will become habitual. It is too painful to engage with the emotions involved and to dissect each difficult episode.
2021-11-10.10:16 a.m.
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