grace period

I have been trying to talk to someone for over three months now. It just seems like they decided to detach in the most painful way. It feels like a betrayal.

All our messages feel like they're hiding behind a veil. I keep trying to lift it, to show them, here I am, ask me, see me, I'm here! But there's no acknowledgement.

I'm tired of feeling rejected at every interaction. I don't know when we will physically cross paths again, but when we do, then I'll ask. Why? Why did you do it? Was it intentional? Because it really hurt me. I relied on you and you didn't pull through on your promise.

They say I can always trust them, and it's true they have kept my secrets. But I can't trust them with my feelings, my self anymore. I feel like I'm being gaslit in the worst way possible. Fuck that.

I fasted for twenty-four hours. I might fast for another day. Maybe I am in denial when I say this has nothing to do with my current feelings, that this is all because I have been body-checking and getting triggered my photos... But fuck that too. I don't know what I'm going to tell my therapist.

I feel sorry for my kids. I haven't cooked. I haven't even the energy to put pizza in the oven. What the actual fuck. Earlier I caught myself actually feeling relief, at the thought that I might die soon, somehow. I don't even know where that came from.

Little boy is getting referred, or in the process of being referred for ASD assessment. First steps are this week and we are being visited by someone to help me fill in forms. Already I'm entering freeze mode. There are a ton of things to do that I haven't the motivation for. This person always derails my recovery but I keep reaching out thinking they will finally respond in the way I want them to, as before. My therapist was right. It's not a good idea to communicate with them whilst I'm recovering. It's my inner child acting out, craving that connection.

2021-11-01.7:16 p.m.
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