I am so grateful for sex. For intimacy, really. I think I took it for granted. I am grateful to have a husband who will sneak up on me and touch me from behind as I am doing the dishes or brushing my teeth, the way all those cliche movie scenes go. I certainly never dreamed of such a thing in my twenties.

I am blessed to have someone I can cuddle with when I am watching TV, someone to even watch a programme with. Someone who has decided, that he will accept me, despite me. You know I was joking that he is lucky to have landed me- I gave up my career, my home, to be with him. I was a damn good catch. An intelligent, capable young lady who didn't look half bad. But really, it's the opposite. How did I end up with this guy? He deserves so much better than me. Here's this well-adjusted, hard-working man who will do anything to make me and the kids happy, and all I have to offer is what, my baggage?

Yesterday we were walking home and he picked up the pace, overtaking the woman in front of us. "I don't want to see her bottom. It's jiggly," he said.

I said, "What if that was me? What if I get big?"

"You are my wife, I chose you."

Me and my eating disorder do not know how to react to that. It may not need to be dissected, either. My husband has the emotional depth of a teaspoon, but who gives me everything else that I need within his capability. Sex, for example, is a good enough substitute for emotional intimacy for now. even though emotional intercourse is something I am really in need of at this time. I'm not sure if I am even capable of that with him. I thought I was, and that he was the one at fault, but even given the opportunity I have shut down, maybe out of fear that he would not understand. We had an honest conversation over lunch a couple of weeks ago and there were many challenging things for me to hear and accept.

He seems to have a neutral opinion of my size, at the very least. I know he cannot see the difference in my appearance, nor does he know what to make of my illness. I am doing enough damage control for it not to affect him as much as I know it is capable of. It could be a lot worse, in other words. I am trying not to burden him.

I also know that he finds me attractive, however he does not really vocalise it much. It would be nice if he did, but on the other hand it may just give my eating disorder the validation it needs, so it would be better for him not to say anything at all, really. Whatever he says I could take it the wrong way. It was, after all, a single innocuous comment from G that sent the house of cards tumbling down. "You're so small again." And I was not even engaging in disordered eating at the time. That was all it took.

Anyway, I recently got the coil fitted. If not for the effectiveness (99.9999%, I exaggerate) and my paranoia of an unplanned pregnancy I would have just stuck with the condom. It is so much less messy. I digress.

We have a lot to learn about each other, still, even after six years of marriage. Everyone keeps saying marriage is hard work and I never believed them. Surely if you love someone as we do, you don't have to work for it? But you do. You grow and change as people, things come up, challenges, life events. And you now have to adapt with the other person in mind. You have no choice but to carry their burdens and face those things together. When you have children those little humans come first. That's another set of consideration. You can't fuck them up as you have been fucked up.

I guess this is a bit of a gratitude post. I forget sometimes that I now have the life I never thought I would have, back when I was in that black hole. I thought the damage I was doing to my body would mean I would never be able to have children. That I would not be able to find someone who would be willing to sit my storms out with me. But I got everything I wanted, in one fell swoop everything was taken away from me and replaced with a life that is infinitely better.

2021-10-23.2:42 p.m.
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