I need to go to therapy soon. There are many thoughts flying around in my head about various things and it's difficult to tease them apart from each other.
My brother told me he was sexually assaulted and he shared this with our mother, who blamed him and his friends for it.
This is why I don't share information with her anymore. I learned from my late teens, that asking for emotional support from our parents over something very major and life-changing, will just get you blamed.
I have to now separate my own feelings and experiences, from his. And somehow resolve feelings of self-righteousness, knowing that he was putting himself at risk but at the same time, no means no.
How do I stop feeling enraged, that this completely avoidable situation still happened, and my brother took my parents' (and my indirect) warnings for granted... whereas my experience was - something I literally could not have helped.
I was placed in that situation where I could not have assessed any risks. He placed himself at risk.
I'm angry, and guilty that I'm angry. I want to cry because I'm so angry. That this happened to him. But also because it happened to me.
And then, I am forced to question myself, did it really happen to me?
My memories as a child are so unreliable, it's almost like all I have are snippets and dream-like scenarios, and aftermaths that could only have had one explanation.
I have so much anger, that things got so fucked up because my parents weren't there to protect me. Fast forward nearly thirty years later, now that they are here, they still can't deal with the aftermath of my brother's situation.
I'll end this here, I can't get emotional, I have a ton of shit to do tonight.
2022-05-13.9:50 p.m.
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