I'm a child having a tantrum. Woke up at seven, it's now three pm and I haven't left the bed except to pee once. I slept from 930 to 2pm.
Why? D refused sex with me last night. Which was ridiculous to me because it was him who initiated in the afternoon.
It's not about the sex, really. Because I've been feeling like it's always me displaying affection in other ways- reaching out my hand to hold his, cuddling, giving him compliments, saying I love you.
The only time he does those things is in the lead up to, during, or after sex.
So I've been conditioned to want it, so i can get scraps of intimacy outside of fucking. I'm always the one organising family trips so that we can enjoy time together.
All this time I thought I had to be the one to make the effort because he's the one busy at work. But actually, you know what, he should be the one coming to me to show me how much I mean to him.
I just feel neglected. My ego really felt that rejection last night. I just can't be bothered anymore. Fuck it, I don't even feel guilty that he's had the kids all day so far.
I haven't had anything either since dinner last night. I deserve not to eat anyway, the way I've been eating so much the last couple weeks. Punishment all around.
2022-04-12.3:01 p.m.
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